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January 27, 2017 / philosophermouseofthehedge

Toasting all game.

menacing looking fake wolf. (

Do I look like I mind if you play through? (

Certainly a wonky crowd that’s propped up to play.

Golfers are far too serious to give the bird to. And really they don’t want them. Really.

Migrating Canadian geese have ignored the lack of welcome on a Lubbock golf course. (Obviously a luxury resort mislabeled from a goose perspective.)

Being a greens area, the method to dislodge them couldn’t be murderous.

A stake out utilized: fake predators that look real enough to bother neighborhood dogs.

“Lakeridge Country Club uses scare tactics to shoo away Geese” (Video/news)

Our own RC Cat is rather amused by the play.

“It would be far more effective,” she snarks, “to import a few of the excess feral cats and let them take a swipe at it. Toss them a few of those small white balls and plant some catnip around to amuse them. Done and done. Real is always better than plastic – to animals, anyway. Humans? A different story entirely.”

Regal glowering cat. ALL rights reserved. Copyrighted. NO permissions granted

Can’t out think geese? Wouldn’t last a minute without thumbs.©

We were game when the new toaster arrived.

Making toast pretty simple, but a 25 page instruction manual was included – in multiple languages – on glossy paper.

Luckily there were pictures – a total of 23 not counting the 2 showing all the parts and features.

All nicely cross referenced to the pages of Important Safeguards and Do Not’s

Sadly it appears we will not be having toaster duels – Unless underhandedly positioned under the table and target.

“Toaster must always be used in upright position (not on its side or tilted forward).”

They take all the fun out of everything. 

No opportunity for lively debates over the proper bread ammo when you knead battle. (Doh!)

Multi grains loaded with those little hard BB type lumps. Pumpernickel bread for heavy breaded artillery. White bread for a softer, heart healthy friendly fire. Hot bagels shooting out like Japanese throwing stars…

soldier teaching proper gun use with gun being held vertically. (USPD.: by fed. employee/

Doesn’t matter if  toaster or gun, always keep in vertical position.(USPD/


Now we are also worried about needing to buy a companion appliance to keep the toaster company: “Never leave toaster unattended .” (Like it’s the Queen of England or something.)

 Means no attending the fun and games the NFL Super Bowl is creating “for all those who can’t afford a ticket to Super Bowl, but don’t want to be left out”. Events like the NFL Players’ Tail Gate Party (ticket: $900.00+) or the Concert for the People (tickets $35-$55.00).

We could board the dog at the kennel, but what about the toaster? (Booklet has notes on shocks, but not shots.)

Pulled the plug on all dreams of becoming a ninja toaster warrior and dashed hopes of hiring out to make geese toast.

(“#9. Do not use outdoors”. “For Household Use Only” in big bold letters. Adding extra long extension cords to the toaster not allowed.)

Oh, well. At least there’s warm company at the table. (Can we count the toaster as a dependent?)

Nicely done.

Phil, the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge

toaster instruction illustration showing Do not boil water in pot on top of toaster. Krups

Figure 21. Does not double as a cook top. Tell your college kid.




  1. easyweimaraner / Jan 27 2017 6:43 am

    we added a watercooker to the toaster that he isn’t alone… since that time he is well-behived… even when the mama tries to use it as a lighter… no more rednosed mamas now LOL


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 27 2017 7:34 am

      Toasters can also be heaters as well as lighters (that’s one brave mama) Good to have multiple uses and skills – keep one from getting replaced or forgotten in on a shelf. Not sure if we should tie up or leash the toaster when we aren’t there…the booklet didn’t say.
      Thanks for toasting a remark to leave


  2. memoirsofahusk / Jan 27 2017 7:08 am

    Don’t take this the wrong way – you’re bonkers! But I like a bit of benign lunacy.
    Been to Lubbock. Hmmm.
    Not a fan of golf though we are surrounded by a golf course. The club had 4 healthy trees cut down outside our fence while I was out the other day. Gutted. But that’s life. And death, for the trees. Sigh.
    PS we have double toaster so it had no need of company – conjoined twins.


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 27 2017 7:37 am

      We should have gone with the twins! If we had only known. Lubbock: windy, dusty, cattle – have family near there, but never seen any golf course…gopher courses are a hole ‘nother thing. (We blame gopher hole crash concussions for the wild thoughts…)
      Thanks for blowing in with a toasty comment


  3. Kate Crimmins / Jan 27 2017 7:33 am

    Perhaps you can investigate a kennel for toasters? They have spiffy ones with private rooms and someone to walk them. The cautions on anything these days is so ridiculous that you skim over the whole thing missing the important ones. When I was a kid, it would be cold in the mornings in the kitchen so Mom would turn up the oven and open the door. I would stand there to warm up. Now there is probably a caution to not use it as a child warmer.


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 27 2017 7:45 am

      Who knows how much longer toasters will be available with all the potential hazards…we used to just watch for tossing the toaster in bathtub or sink full of water. (There was a do-not-do-this illustration for putting the toaster under the faucet and filling it up with water)
      How many houses were warmed by ovens not long ago. It’s theory way I survive graduate school in the rented hovel (Not the Rh furnished apts of today’s kids). On really cold mornings we still bake/broil just for cozy. Keep expecting a notice from the builder that they are being required to retro fit houses with child proof grills around stoves/ovens. HAHA
      Thanks for warming up a comment to leave

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Roxie / Jan 27 2017 11:01 am

    nope, no super bowl, vacation, or break for you. I am rolling on the floor – oh wait, I need to vacuum – aha! a vacuum can keep that spunky toaster company. I’d love to see the manual through similar eyes, Phil…
    keep up the humor, there’s so little to laugh about this week!


  5. Anne Mehrling / Jan 27 2017 11:21 am

    I was groaning at the puns while laughing at the post. My husband thought I was dying.


  6. Sarah Ferguson and Choppy / Jan 27 2017 12:13 pm

    Apparently the toaster would also be an ineffective method of dealing with geese.

    Liked by 2 people

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 27 2017 2:19 pm

      Yea, if you fired multi grain toast at them, they’d just eat it. No silly goose, there. Thanks for feathering the comment nest with an remark

      Liked by 2 people

  7. PiedType / Jan 27 2017 2:17 pm

    Geese a big problem around here. Huge flocks taking over greenbelts and parks. How can something so majestic on the wing be such a colossal mess on the ground? And I don’t recall anyone coming up with a good method to keep them away.


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 27 2017 2:29 pm

      Winter geese are not really a welcomed invasion. They love the manicured ponds and grounds of hospitals and businesses. Waddling up into parking garages and entryways of big elegant buildings in fowl weather. And they have been known to attack. If cats are a tactic, they’d better get some giant rough wharf cats from the port…and put them in packs. Maybe train cat in the use of toaster catapults? Probably a crummy idea. Thanks for the flighty comment


  8. Amy / Jan 27 2017 3:48 pm

    Please be aware that McDonald’s coffee is hot and can scald you. And that plastic bags are not toys and must be kept away from children, who could suffocate. Have you looked up lately? I think the sky may be falling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 28 2017 12:18 pm

      We bought a replacement plastic bucket recently – which had safety use instructions with it. One reason people don;’t seem to think logically any more is that they don’t have to? Geesch. Thanks for ducking in with a comment

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Ally Bean / Jan 27 2017 4:44 pm

    Seems to me that you need to disregard the instructions, load the toaster with bread, find a long extension cord, take the toaster outside to the golf course, and fire away at the geese. The geese will disperse, the bread will add fiber to the green thus aerating it, and you will have not left the toaster unattended while you go out of the house. A win-win, so to speak.

    Liked by 1 person

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 28 2017 12:28 pm

      You see, that could have been the plan… or sneaking up behind a sleeping goose and put the toaster under wing or tail…Oh, getting complicated. The animal rights groups will start getting fussy. They should just train the abundant gophers to burrow up and nibble on webbed toes. Thanks for adding a helpful electric comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. The Hook / Jan 27 2017 5:06 pm

    Those darn Canadian geese.
    Where’s Sully when you need him?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. reocochran / Jan 27 2017 6:04 pm

    Oh my goodness! You have so much fun in this post! I like dueling toasters but alas, no tilting toasters on their sides, nor using bagels as the most dangerous/painful artillery! 🙂


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 28 2017 5:15 pm

      Food fighters could claim that the instructions’ illustrations only showed one toaster on its’ side banned…not two dueling toasters,so therefore…(have no doubt that the company lawyers are demanding an updated version even as we speak). Thanks for the electrifying comment


  12. notesfromrumbleycottage / Jan 27 2017 9:01 pm

    WTF?!? Do you need that much instruction for a toaster?


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 28 2017 5:09 pm

      Seriously. Do you think that the booklet was mistakenly packed when it should have gone in the comedy script package? Thanks for popping in with a comment

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Jay E. / Jan 28 2017 6:32 am

    25 pages of instructions for a toaster? Please tell me there were 5 or 6 languages represented . . . Also, this reminds me of a hypothetical: would you rather have toasters for hands or an immortal, indestructible sheep follow one foot behind you at ALL times?


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 28 2017 5:05 pm

      Oddly only 3 languages (Ordered instead of local purchase…where it would have been at least 7-12…)
      Hmmm, with the sheep you could have Johnny Appleseed potential- environmentalists might worship the ground ground you trod, but with the toaster hands you’d be the toast of breakfast buffets. Too hard to choose. Thanks for heating up a comment

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Rilla Z / Jan 28 2017 7:07 am

    We must use appliances the way they were meant to be used, else we become inventive. Possibly dead, but certainly inventive. Enjoyed this!


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 28 2017 4:58 pm

      Do you wonder if appliances don’t say the same thing about people? Ai is real…and watching, listening, and thinking…..We’d better be sure where the m,ainpower switch works? HA HA. Thanks for the electric comment


  15. heretherebespiders / Jan 28 2017 12:02 pm

    Oooo, burn!
    My manager stuck a damn knife in the work toaster last week. I was looking for a large wooden object to knock him away with! A hot bagel fight would have been much safer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 28 2017 4:56 pm

      What is with men with forks or knives in toasters. Did the last one in. (Maybe schools should go back to letting little boys take things like toasters apart and put them back together – they did that in some shop classes to teach stuff…like electricity!) Thanks for the shocking comment

      Liked by 2 people

      • heretherebespiders / Jan 28 2017 7:17 pm

        Hahha I took shop back in the 80’s – one of the few girls who chose it. This is after I literally set the pillow I made in home ec on fire. On purpose, once it was graded and I very carefully and specifically asked if I could do anything I wanted with it. Actually that is a good tale for my blog, I’d forgotten about that!
        Anyway, I did take a lawnmower apart to figure out what was wrong with it in shop. Kept the bent crankshaft for years, too.


  16. RKLikesReeses / Jan 29 2017 2:26 pm

    RC Cat is exquisite!!
    Gosh, those geese are persistent. They can be pretty feisty, too, I’ve heard.
    LOL – “Never leave toaster unattended.” LOVE reading instruction manuals. After the fact, of course. 25 pages for a toaster? Sounds like a bit much (unless said toaster can take out the trash, cook dinner, and play pinochle). I’m guessing that a lot of the cautions are based on liability fears. I’ve got a funny story about that but your wonderful comment section isn’t the place for it. Maybe I’ll do a post sometime. Anyway – when I was a kid I used to wonder how long I had to wait after unplugging a toaster before I could put a knife inside. What if was there residual electricity in there waiting to zap me? Good luck with yours.


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 30 2017 2:06 pm

      Toaster stories! Can’t wait for that post. Oddly there isn’t a toaster product caution about not placing large fuzzy cat who is admiring herself in the mirror surface adjacent to the toaster. (RC probably wants to lick any left over buttery smudges…but it’s an unaddressed hazard! The company must be secretly anti-cats.) Thanks for toasting up a comment to leave.

      Liked by 1 person

      • RKLikesReeses / Jan 30 2017 3:00 pm

        ::whispers:: It’s actually a drug company story, about a product whose packaging mystified at least one consumer, which led to a lawsuit and hundreds of thousands of dollars of packaging changes. I wish it had been about toasters because what it’s really about is – well – less appealing. 😉


  17. roughwighting / Jan 30 2017 6:08 am

    Hysterical. NO vacations from now on- you have the toaster to consider. Is that image REAL? It’s like the instructions to the hair dryer. They suggest that you don’t blow dry your hair while in the bathtub. REALLY? They just took away all my fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Jan 30 2017 2:10 pm

      It’s a real image. One of my favorites was the one with the toaster cord coiled up across the slots on the top. Big “X”. And the one showing “X” over filling the toaster with water from the faucet..It’s a SNL skit!
      Hairdryers – they probably wouldn’t approve of blowing cat litter across the floor with one.
      We’ve decided the crockpot will be a good companion for the toaster: slow and steady, that one.
      Thanks for popping in with a comment


  18. sportsattitudes / Jan 31 2017 9:35 am

    Our nearby golf course actually embraces the Geese as a charm associated with playing there. Indeed it can get a bit messy at times managing the relationship but each day passing by we’re treated to a couple hundred of them splashing around the water hazards and chewing on the fairways. (I think they signed an agreement to not bother the greens) Aren’t electronic food gadgets just the best, especially when human beings get around them? That explains all the instructions because people have tried to kill themselves over and over with them.


    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 1 2017 6:38 pm

      I think you’re right about the electrical hazard potential…sometimes you even have to duck the clubs ( the reverse of those last 3 words usually not encouraged. Too much quackers)
      (And today the NFL players are having a cooking contest..dishes feature are Mac and cheese, hot dogs, hamburgers. But cheers for the wounded warriors football game – very well attended by the crowd. Pleeeease – only 4 more days…and tons of private planes overhead…Still a few tickets available $4,000.00 each!)
      Thanks for quilling up a comment

      Liked by 1 person


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