Hysteria on aisle 3. Dunderheads

Sugar, you want me to be happy, don’t you? Can’t wait to show the girls what you got me for Valentines. I will be happy with what you’re getting me, won’t I, Sugar? (1929″The Fall of Eve”Columbia Picture/ USPD:pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

It doesn’t matter if the snow is nose deep. Time to get started.

Valentines Day.

Now it’s always good to take a few things along: notes on preferred choices, a list of correct sizes (by brands), and cash or credit cards. Local shoppers here might consider taking one other item.

The poor man was trying to get his shopping done before the rush.

Stopped at a adult specialty “lingerie” shop full of, uh, Valentine potential. Happily, he quickly found the perfect gift and smiled all the way back inside his car.

Then he was shocked as he saw gun barrels pointed at him from both sides. There was yellin’ “Git outta the car!” and such. But he’d not give up that perfect gift on the seat beside him or his car. Jerked the car in reverse and things looked good. Put the hammer down.

Seeing their prize rapidly disappearing – and one of them had just promised his sweetie a new ride – the desperate pair started shooting at the car.

Now, more than a tad irritated, the driver wheeled the car around and began chasing the would-be carjackers who were running out of bullets. The terrified pair managed to get away. The car owner was unharmed, kept his perfect Valentine purchase, and police told him he was lucky. Looking at all the shattered windows, he wasn’t so sure.

(In the old West they used to say, “Don’t take a knife to a gun fight.” From this episode, it would seem that a car might be considered a suitable option?)

So, in conclusion, when shopping for Valentines, be careful. Some may pack some cold heat, or remember what they say about another dangerous activity, swimming: “Always take a buddy. Never go alone!”

Moving down the road a bit – about five miles actually – another guy took that buddy idea seriously.

“Hush now, dahling. I know you will manage somehow. You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”(1922.”The Beautiful and Damned”Warner Bros./USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

The annual Show and Tell Valentines Reveal is so much pressure. All that stuff the ladies want is so expensive – and a guy can’t lose face by cheaping out.

So this one got an idea and called in his crew to assist. 

(And promised it would be worth their time.)

First they located and “liberated” the perfect heavy pickup truck. (Full tank of gas. Perfect!)

The Shell Station Stop and Rob Go would do. At 3am, plenty of room to manuever the truck into position and get a running start backing into the store. No problemo to jump out, tug and lug the ATM to the truck (OK so it took some effort…It would help to put the tailgate down, guys, before loading attempts. Lifting with super thievery strength, they chunked it in. And jumped inside the car ready to step on the gas. Valentine cash secured!

Only the truck wouldn’t start.

A tiny bit of hesitation and the crew melts into the night while the driver continues to try and start the truck. No such luck.

Hey, guys, just a preliminary trial run, right? Still time left.

They all got away. So their sweeties can continue to hint and hope.

Cops are reviewing the security tapes. (Might suggest checking the local ERs and hospitals for guys showing up with hernia complaints.)

Watch it, buddy. Although girls do seem to always fall for bad boys.(1922″Beautiful and Damned”/Warner Bros/USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

These next shoppers were terribly anxious to beat the Valentine crowd.

Unwilling to believe that old “the check’s in the mail” – or terribly anxious to start before the shelves got picked over – they hurried in.

Only they must have been in too much of a hurry. Confused. They hustled into a Check Cashing Store instead of a bank.

Sadly the crowbar they tried to use to pry open the security door to the back – and to the cash – just didn’t have enough bite.

After a little polka around the place, they must have gotten an important phone call – or realized they forgot an appointment elsewhere – and left.

Nothing like a little party to make a girl happy. (1920.”Eastern Westerner” film lobby card /Rolin Films/Pathe/USPD:Pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

None of them should be in distress, though. There’s time! Plenty of time.

Besides real shoppers wait until the last minute. Oh, the thrill of the hunt! (Stolen credit card numbers do much to lessen any anxiety over paying far too much at the last minute. Nothing but the best for Valentines!)

Ah, the joys of the Hallmark season and the Dunderheaded.

Phil, the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge.

I don’t know. This one’s just funny. Selfie! Hysteria on aisle 3. (1939 “At the Circus”/MGM/USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

 

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