Snake Wrangler: Must be charming

Make my day – it didn’t…hadn’t had coffee. Piled up into a knot, I noticed the snake on the way back in from getting the paper. Young, thicker than a fat pencil – about 14-16 inches, if uncoiled, his mouth was as wide open as possible – and he was growing bigger by the minute (snakes who slither into neighborhoods tend to have a habit of doing that). While he was fiercely dominating the porch corner, I slipped into the house.

“There’s a Copperhead on the porch.  You can see it out the window. Need coffee”

“Yep, it’s still there.  That looks like a broom, you fetched, not a hoe….”

In snake county, nothing gets put next to the house or door that critters – scorpions or snakes – can use for cover:  no bulky woven sea grass welcome mats, no potted plants, no flowerbed crowded with tropical foliage.  Well, honestly, plants would have just died into unwanted brush, but still – it was raked away.  Here, George of the Jungle would feel at home,  generations of monkeys could live for unmolested, prides of lions could hide in the landscape…apparently so do adolescent Copperheads.  It is spring after all. Not to mention the drought.

A broom.  It’s a karma thing.

We’ll just nudge and encourage the little misguided guy to leave?

Me, I was brought up on snake etiquette early:  Run the dog out ahead of you in the field to scare the snakes ( who really will leave if given the option – not attack), if you see a snake, don’t take your eyes off him as you move (you need to know which way it went), watch for the diamond-shaped heads (generally poisonous snake – colors vary a lot by region), use caution if turning over a rock or anything (don’t use your hand),  and remember little snakes grow to big ones.  Not all snakes are bad.  We didn’t worry rat snakes, grass snakes, and black snakes – especially black snakes.  They hunt and kill Copperheads (seriously. I’ve seen it).  But poisonous moccasins, Copperheads, corals, and rattlers – hang their hides on the barbwire fence as a warning to others…..or give to the neighbors to stretch on a board for a hat band.

So a broom?  I know.

Introducing the “Grand Mystery of Snake Charming“

Keeping my advice to myself (and besides it’s a macho thing – worthy of Discovery Channel:  the Great Snake Hunter). I can’t bear it. Wander towards coffee.  The front door opens. Then chaos.  Scene:  Husband wildly kicking the entry hall rug while smushing the broom straw end flat against the floor.  Opened the door without bothering to check location – snake rolled right inside.  At least it’s held into position by broom’s straw – how comforting.  It is a poisonous snake in the house.  Rush to throw RC cat (wanting to assist) into the back.  Grab a sharp-edged small trash can and with a quick switch out, entombed the rather excited snake under it.

Did I tell you I NEED COFFEE?

Standing like Davy Crockett:  one foot on the can keeping it snug to the floor and now holding the broom like a musket.  What’s the plan now?  Mr. Snake is not amused and is trashing like crazy against the walls of the plastic cylinder.  At least I know where he is that way.  No I don’t think we have any tong-like tools we can pick him up with (don’t want to scar up the floor, seriously?)  The snake guys on TV do use pincher thingy to move snakes – but those tools are about 4-5 feet lone – and the guys are in protective gears.  This is a poisonous snake – even if it is little – it’s just as poisonous as an adult snake.  Plan B?  Get the machete?  Uh, no.  Get me the hoe – or stand on this thing while I get it.

Plan C (It’s a karma thing.  Did I mention I really really need some coffee?).

Carefully scooch the can over to the door threshold and then quickly pitch / sweep him outside?  Really?  What about that nice wide crack space under the threshold?  Think he might choose to sneak into that?  OK.  We can cover that big crack with either blue painter’s tape or that wide metal tape – then there will be a snake ramp to the outside.  Wide silver metal tape applied as I carefully slide the can closer to the door opening….Wait! the floorboards are uneven and the front can edge is up …he’ll get out!  Not on my watch.  Rapidly shove across the tall spot onto the flat plain…snapping plastic rim down rather quickly and hard.  Snake apparently distressed and frantically batters the walls.  Oh, guess a little too fast maneuvering – tiny bit of snake tail tip has been amputated.

(COFFEE!.  COFFEE! – What am I doing?)

Door opened.  Really? Pull off the plastic can and you’ll just sweep it out?  Get the hoe ready, I’m going to pitch this slithering coffee interrupter out the door.  Little ones only get to be bigger ones, you know.  One fluid movement and the snake (minus only a tiny piece) is launched in a clean arc out onto the porch. Quick.  The hoe.  What was that? You wanted to sweep him onto the drive first?  Well, that oddly aimed sweep just rushed him into that large clump decorative grass.  I doubt he’ll hang around long enough for you to get the hoe, and locate him in order to chop him into non-threatening pieces.  But the good thing is he cleared the porch (and we can use the garage exit today, I’m thinking).  Enough already.

 Just a tiny tale is all that’s left.

Now, where’s my COFFEE?!

It’s always something,

Phil, the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge

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