Nothing ventured. Nothing gamed.

It says pencil. Best not to question the form. OK. That’s it. Let’s move out. (USPD/Commons.wikimedia.org)

Decision made. The car full of gas. Final potty break call. The check list given one last glance.

Wait. Pencil sharpener. Did you grab the pencil sharpener? The pencil is bound to break.

Wait. Did you download the request forms? Easier to do that here.

Water bottles. Masks.

Crowd Predictor phone app on.

Gads. Is it even worth the effort?

Sounds like a major military offensive march.

We had indecisively wavered, but the opportunity suddenly appeared.

No better time to chance it: Father’s Day – at lunch time – so most would be busy – and on top of that, it was dark, stormy, and rainy!

Surely it would be as safe as possible to run into Lowe’s and grab a couple of bags of dirt (“Get 2 to last the summer. Don’t want to have to go back.”) and if able to be done quickly, grab two small flowering plants.

Who else would be there on this day, at this time, in this weather?

We had a finely honed plan:

Commandeer a small cart out front for the dirt, a brisk run through the Garden Center entrance, head down the far right aisle directly to the target while head swivels to the left attempting to spot desired plants might lead to a one person peeling off to acquire said item quickly before rendezvousing at predetermined dirt location. A super fast, coordinated, double-handed loading of bags onto cart, then a dash to the plexiglass wrapped register, a quick card slide, waving off the receipt, finally lunging out as fast as Santa’s sleigh ride on Christmas Eve sprinting from  the Garden Center gate to the car and the gel hand sanitizer and de-masking before passing out from sauna moist heat and effort.

Only, no. Foiled again!

A giant EXIT ONLY banner now tied across the Garden Center entrance?

Any hope of sneaking in anyway was dashed upon spotting a large, scowling man in a Lowe’s vest guarding the fence gap – only opening and closing the gate to allow people to escape outward with their purchases.

There were arrows directing people to the main entrance. To go inside. INSIDE. Inside a closed, crowded area. Just what they say to avoid.

Oh, healthy one-way aisles inside, so just try to make a stampede run to the Garden Center area and the safer open air. “We are making you safer! You want to be safe don’t you?” Haunting sounds of mooo and baaaa echoing from deep within the looming depths…

A wandering maze of this ways and that ways and NO, YOU CANNOT GO THAT WAYS snaking through the indoor cavern.

Unfortunately, no one said to pack bread crumbs in case you make a wrong turn at an intersection in the COVID protection labyrinth. Wouldn’t do any good anyway: it’s all one way and people are so hysterical and so quick to attack. “Don’t dare object to illogical herding you germ ridden maggot .”

“Helpful” is no longer in people’s vocabulary, it seems. Fear does odd things…

“Unhand that plant. How dare you think you can enter through the Exit. It is properly marked. Now go out and come in the proper way and we’ll consider letting you buy that plant.”(USPD/Commons.wikimedia.org)

Something stopped us from entering the Maw of Doom 

The large, scowling man in the Lowe’s vest guarding the Garden Center portal could not block what was witnessed as he swung open the covered gate to release those fleeing.

There were double lines – parallel – about an arm’s reach apart. A pandemic of people heel to toe waiting for their turns. The registers’ dams making people spread air tread water and hope it’s only a SAL outbreak not a COVID victim behind them.

Uh, no. I can live in a world of less dirt.

Phil, the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge.

Post script: Oh, we did drive by a small Home Depot and saw their Garden Center gate wide open. The view through the chain link fences showed absolutely no one inside either. Works for me.

The backup plan was to online order a couple of bags of dirt from HEB for curbside delivery and pickup…Oh, we would have ordered some food items, too…just so it wouldn’t seem so wrong to take up a food delivery time spot for dirt….Hmmm, maybe a stalk  drive by of their outdoor garden plant section before the next grocery order…(Why can’t the darn squirrels transport and drop seeds from other places of plants you actually want?) 

“Please. I don’t know what came over me. It’s only a small chunk out of the Pith Helmet” (My dad had one of those: both the hat and the remorseful dog who mistook it for a chew toy…it was only a small chunk. We could never get Dad to go for a new unchomped one. “Still perfectly good. Seasoned,” he laughed. (Dutch National Archives /Commons.wikimedia.org)