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January 31, 2018 / philosophermouseofthehedge

Expecting the cold shoulder

Woman fixing man's tie. couple in vintage 1916 film, The Waiters' Ball. Keystone Film Co./, artist life, publicity still/

Idiot! Even if Super Bowl tickets are at bargain prices, those won’t make things cool again. Got it? (USPD/

Wanted: one who is cold-hearted.

Loss of the fridge didn’t leave us frozen in our tracks, but there’s some anxiety finding a replacement among this new generation of smart fridges that  connect to the internet and feature TV screens.

Last thing I need is a smart appliance getting online:

  • Trolling the ‘net for, or even worse, ordering hot young things like expensive cooktops and ovens.
  • Creating profiles on dating sites. “Cool newcomer seeks hot companion – we’ll cook something up!”
  • What would Tinder for Appliances be called? The microwave may be old, but it’s still instant on. And it could get even worse with offers to exchange pictures of each other’s parts.
  • What if the darn thing got all AI superior and started video preaching about better eating choices with healthy recipes, or censoring  TV shows “offering no redeeming social value” because they show violence to machines?

Potentially chilling

elegant young woman in fancy dance dress. 1901. (USPD.,Artist life/

Available for cold reality, but certainly not a cheap date. Have you considered the extended warranty? Beauty fades.(USPD/

Cautiously, we settled on a lesser model. Middle of the aisle one. We didn’t want take out a second mortgage, yet hoped to make the kitchen great again.

This new one is a bit flirty, though.

If you knock-knock, she’ll give you a little peek.

Worried her style might be “If you got it flaunt it…until you are out of the appliance prenup period.”

Our current ancient beyond belief fridge doesn’t know she’s lost her cool.

She’s never questioned her torso being stuffed with bags of ice through multiple hurricanes, tropical systems, ice storms, moves, power surges, and, now, in the warming of old age. Appreciative of her years of icy dedication, we’ll insist the final unplugging be quick.

Plump woman in kitchen peparing family meal. ca.1940's. Jewish Historical Society of Upper Midwest/ Steinfeldt collection/ Flickr/, no known cr./

Our old fridge: To know her is to love her. We’ve been through a lot together. Maybe she’ll recycle into a quiet retirement spot – perhaps a weekend lake house with kids who need popsicles. (USPD/

Wonder if the new one has been online checking us out.

You know that’s so common these days before showing up to take a new position.

Hope we aren’t a disappointment.

But it’s not like the new fridge has a choice – we’ve paid for her.

Wait! It’s not what it sounds like. Not involuntary servitude!

We promise she can charge up and run as long as she wants.

Besides we are fully aware she’s connected.

Preparing for glacial stares.

Phil, the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge

Snow Queen over village. Stamp from Belarus. (USPD obj not CR/

Welcome Snow Queen! (USPD/





Leave a Comment
  1. easyweimaraner / Jan 31 2018 6:38 am

    I will buy the next fridge only online… as we bought ours I tried to open the door and I hurt my finger super badly… and from day 1 the fridge tries either to kill me or my nerves… probably the step sister of stephen kings mangler ;O)))


  2. Under the Oaks / Jan 31 2018 6:44 am

    LOL! Love this. Our dryer pooped out last week. Appliance guy came and “fixed” it now it has a crazy ticking noise. Appliance dude Jack has not returned to fix what he fixed. Enjoy your new fridge.


  3. Carrie Rubin / Jan 31 2018 6:46 am

    Thanks for the morning chuckle. I’m with you—I don’t need a techie fridge. I have no desire to control my appliances with a phone and a password. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  4. shoreacres / Jan 31 2018 6:51 am

    The ice maker in mine has stopped working, and it’s leaking water onto the floor occasionally. I suspect the two conditions are related. I would have called management and had them send the maintenance crew over, but I’m not doing that until I get this place cleaned up a little. I have my pride. In the meantime, I’ve discovered that ice cubes made with trays still work, and not only that, making them from Ozarka water’s probably better than using the water that comes through the refrigerator’s system.


  5. Amy / Jan 31 2018 7:25 am

    Mine keeps peeing on the floor. I still refuse to take it out.


  6. sustainabilitea / Jan 31 2018 8:24 am

    May she live long and prosper! I’ve had more than a few cold shoulders this winter. 🙂



  7. RKLikesReeses / Jan 31 2018 9:44 am

    Haaaaaaha! So funny and weird and scary! Glad you found a replacement that will pay attention to its purpose – not spend time chitchatting, posting, and buying who-knows-what. Mine is >24 years old. Dreading the time when it needs to be replaced. Last thing I need is another $$$ “smart” thing, that isn’t smart at all
    Thank you for posting this – I thought I was the only one who felt this way.


  8. PiedType / Jan 31 2018 11:43 am

    Anticipating the replacement of all my kitchen appliances in the next couple of years. Not looking forward to it. And no, I don’t need “smart” appliances. As long as I’m in control and they do their jobs, I’m happy.


  9. Kate Crimmins / Jan 31 2018 12:11 pm

    It’s a sad day when our refrigerators are smarter than us! Appliances are a sore spot here. We’ve replaced ALL of them at least one in a 13 year old house. My mother’s ugly refrigerator was 35 years old before we got rid of it (because it was so damn ugly!). If I notice your new one hanging around Tinder, I’ll let you know.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Spinster / Jan 31 2018 12:53 pm

    Nice post, this one.


  11. Anne Mehrling / Jan 31 2018 4:18 pm

    I’m gearing up for buying a new dishwasher. The present one can’t even clean itself up, let alone polish the glasses. Good luck living with your new refrigerator.


  12. LordBeariOfBow / Jan 31 2018 4:43 pm

    My fridge is on the blink but the War Office aka my wife says “tough you’ll just have to put up with it” So being a coward I shall 😦


  13. Ally Bean / Feb 1 2018 2:03 pm

    I have an electric toothbrush with the ability to talk to my smartphone. I refuse to allow them to chat. Neither one of them is all that trustworthy, I can only imagine how they’d gossip about me. The thought of a refrigerator connecting to the internet scares me even more than my small appliances getting together. *meh*

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Curt Mekemson / Feb 1 2018 5:42 pm

    It seems to me that the smarter the machine, the shorter it’s life span, Phil. I’ve noticed that none of the tech companies are putting out machines that automatically repair themselves. Do we really need a refrigerator that reports on the moldy stuff grown the back of the refrigerator, or takes photos of it and posts it on line? –Curt


  15. Jay E. / Feb 3 2018 7:09 am

    I’d hate to imagine what a coffee maker would do online, all hyped up by caffeine.


  16. Cecilia Mary Gunther / Feb 3 2018 6:05 pm

    OH MY! What is the television FOR? Does it show you the inside of the back of the fridge? So you don’t reverse in there and cause an accident? Merciful heavens. c


  17. sportsattitudes / Feb 13 2018 11:55 am

    When we purchased our current home the folks we were buying from asked if we wanted to purchase their fridge as well – it was fairly new – and had other advantages: it was in the house already, already cleaned spotless…and we didn’t have one. A few months into living at the house I thought I dropped something behind the fridge…and promptly found a massive dent in its upper corner which was hidden from view when looking at it straight away. It turned out to be purely cosmetic in nature – the thing has run without fail for a decade – but I always wondered if they knew that dent was there or not.?!?!


  18. cat9984 / Feb 24 2018 10:55 pm

    Hope she’s getting along with her new neighbors. It’s tough when everyone’s checking you out


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