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February 6, 2015 / philosophermouseofthehedge

Hysteria on aisle 3. Dunderheads

Vintage movie star couple. 1929 film. "The Fall of Eve".Columbia Picture/ USPD:pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

Sugar, you want me to be happy, don’t you? Can’t wait to show the girls what you got me for Valentines. I will be happy with what you’re getting me, won’t I, Sugar? (1929″The Fall of Eve”Columbia Picture/ USPD:pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

It doesn’t matter if the snow is nose deep. Time to get started.

Valentines Day.

Now it’s always good to take a few things along: notes on preferred choices, a list of correct sizes (by brands), and cash or credit cards. Local shoppers here might consider taking one other item.

The poor man was trying to get his shopping done before the rush.

Stopped at a adult specialty “lingerie” shop full of, uh, Valentine potential. Happily, he quickly found the perfect gift and smiled all the way back inside his car.

Then he was shocked as he saw gun barrels pointed at him from both sides. There was yellin’ “Git outta the car!” and such. But he’d not give up that perfect gift on the seat beside him or his car. Jerked the car in reverse and things looked good. Put the hammer down.

Seeing their prize rapidly disappearing – and one of them had just promised his sweetie a new ride – the desperate pair started shooting at the car.

Now, more than a tad irritated, the driver wheeled the car around and began chasing the would-be carjackers who were running out of bullets. The terrified pair managed to get away. The car owner was unharmed, kept his perfect Valentine purchase, and police told him he was lucky. Looking at all the shattered windows, he wasn’t so sure.

(In the old West they used to say, “Don’t take a knife to a gun fight.” From this episode, it would seem that a car might be considered a suitable option?)

So, in conclusion, when shopping for Valentines, be careful. Some may pack some cold heat, or remember what they say about another dangerous activity, swimming: “Always take a buddy. Never go alone!”

Moving down the road a bit – about five miles actually – another guy took that buddy idea seriously.

vintage film couple.1922 lobby card. Film."The Beautiful and Damned" Warner Bros./USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

“Hush now, dahling. I know you will manage somehow. You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”(1922.”The Beautiful and Damned”Warner Bros./USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

The annual Show and Tell Valentines Reveal is so much pressure. All that stuff the ladies want is so expensive – and a guy can’t lose face by cheaping out.

So this one got an idea and called in his crew to assist. 

(And promised it would be worth their time.)

First they located and “liberated” the perfect heavy pickup truck. (Full tank of gas. Perfect!)

The Shell Station Stop and Rob Go would do. At 3am, plenty of room to manuever the truck into position and get a running start backing into the store. No problemo to jump out, tug and lug the ATM to the truck (OK so it took some effort…It would help to put the tailgate down, guys, before loading attempts. Lifting with super thievery strength, they chunked it in. And jumped inside the car ready to step on the gas. Valentine cash secured!

Only the truck wouldn’t start.

A tiny bit of hesitation and the crew melts into the night while the driver continues to try and start the truck. No such luck.

Hey, guys, just a preliminary trial run, right? Still time left.

They all got away. So their sweeties can continue to hint and hope.

Cops are reviewing the security tapes. (Might suggest checking the local ERs and hospitals for guys showing up with hernia complaints.)

vintage film couple on couch.1922."Beautiful and Damned" film lobby card/Warner Bros./USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

Watch it, buddy. Although girls do seem to always fall for bad boys.(1922″Beautiful and Damned”/Warner Bros/USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

These next shoppers were terribly anxious to beat the Valentine crowd.

Unwilling to believe that old “the check’s in the mail” – or terribly anxious to start before the shelves got picked over – they hurried in.

Only they must have been in too much of a hurry. Confused. They hustled into a Check Cashing Store instead of a bank.

Sadly the crowbar they tried to use to pry open the security door to the back – and to the cash – just didn’t have enough bite.

After a little polka around the place, they must have gotten an important phone call – or realized they forgot an appointment elsewhere – and left.

Vintage film party scene. (1920."Eastern Westerner" film lobby card /Rolin Films/Pathe/USPD:Pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

Nothing like a little party to make a girl happy. (1920.”Eastern Westerner” film lobby card /Rolin Films/Pathe/USPD:Pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

None of them should be in distress, though. There’s time! Plenty of time.

Besides real shoppers wait until the last minute. Oh, the thrill of the hunt! (Stolen credit card numbers do much to lessen any anxiety over paying far too much at the last minute. Nothing but the best for Valentines!)

Ah, the joys of the Hallmark season and the Dunderheaded.

Phil, the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge.

Karl Marx, lady, and giraffe.(1939 "At the Circus"/ Film lobby card./MGM/USPD.pub.date,no cr mark/Commons.wikimedia.org)

I don’t know. This one’s just funny. Selfie! Hysteria on aisle 3. (1939 “At the Circus”/MGM/USPD.pub.date/Commons.wikimedia.org)

 

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22 Comments

  1. Seumas Gallacher / Feb 6 2015 2:00 pm

    huge smiles! 🙂

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 6 2015 2:06 pm

      Do you ever wonder if production companies are secretly trying out new TV or film plots and characters in the neighborhood? Thanks for chuckling along

      Like

  2. Kate Crimmins / Feb 6 2015 2:22 pm

    These are a good prelude to the Darwin awards. Of course to quality for those you have to die. I think these folks will get there fairly soon.

    Liked by 3 people

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 6 2015 3:43 pm

      De-evolution or simply auditioning for a staring role on WFV or Cops? Thanks for scripting a comment to leave

      Like

  3. cecilia / Feb 6 2015 2:53 pm

    Not terribly clever were they.. any of them.. but I guess that goes without sayinng.. c

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 6 2015 3:41 pm

      Perhaps what happens when humans are separated from animals? They lose herd manners. Thanks for loading in a comment

      Like

  4. Littlesundog / Feb 6 2015 3:58 pm

    Ha ha! Love the “They lose herd manners” comment! We had a case in OKC where a good Samaritan was flagged into an apartment complex parking lot where the victim tried jump-starting the two men’s car. After an unsuccessful jump, the victim allowed the two men into his car to take them to an apartment on the other side of the complex,
    While in the car, the two men hit the victim on the head with a dumbbell, stabbed him, and took his wallet and cellphone. The two men tried to steal the car but were unsuccessful because they did not know how to start the car’s push-button ignition. They’ve been caught of course.

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 6 2015 4:10 pm

      While I usually sit on my hands as these stories fly across, sometimes it’s just too funny to let go by. Apparently here, having a car with stick shift is one of the best ways to keep people from stealing your car. Do you think guys like these are auditioning for a reality show? There’s so many goofy ones on TV, there’s bound to be one looking for them. Thanks for joining the roundup.

      Like

  5. Paul / Feb 6 2015 5:29 pm

    Bwahahaha! Too funny Phil. When you mentioned the cheque cashing store, I recalled a funny story that happened a few years ago – speaking of dumb thieves. Two retired guys were sharing an apartment when one of them passed away of natural circumstances. It so happened that was the same day that his monthly retirement cheque arrived in the mail. The remaining retiree saw an opportunity and called a friend. Together they forged the dead guy’s name, carried him downstairs and put him in an office chair with wheels. They wheeled him to the closest cheque cahsing store, parked him outside and went in to cash the cheque. When the cashier asked why the guy was outside, they told him that he was sick and they didn’t want to bring him inside for fear that he might be contagious. The cashier knew the guy and always cashed his cheques, so he just nodded and payed out the money. Meanwhile,there was a cop having a coffee across the street who noticed the guy slumped over in the office chair and walked over to see if he was OK. He discovered the old guy was dead and went into the store and asked the clerk why there was a dead guy out front.Meanwhile the other two were hurriedly running down the street pushing the dead guy in the office chair. The cop gave chase and caught them – they were charged and had to do community service.

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 6 2015 6:39 pm

      Oh, chortle! Nothing’s better than a hilarious story for Friday. Your’s definitely wins the prize (if only there was a check to hand over as a reward.) Hope your weekend is full of sun and humor. Thanks for giggling along!

      Like

  6. roughseasinthemed / Feb 6 2015 9:52 pm

    Why you do live in a nice neighbourhood. Still a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do to pay through the nose please the object of his dreams (who or whatever that may be).

    Not many stories like that here. Bit difficult to get out of Gib.

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 6 2015 10:18 pm

      It is what it is. Might as well laugh at the chaos. Christmas, Valentines, Graduations – times of the year when so much “shopping” occurs. It’s all society’s fault: putting all that materialistic pressure on men. What else are they to do? Thanks for snorting along.

      Like

  7. dogear6 / Feb 6 2015 11:12 pm

    Wow – those could be on that TV show “America’s Stupidest Criminals”. I think the comment above about Darwin’s selection was good.

    Nancy

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 6 2015 11:20 pm

      Maybe those guys have been watching too much tv and are practicing for next season’s audition call. Can’t wait to see what the last minute shoppers’ methods are. Bound to be fun! Thanks for riding along

      Like

  8. Robin / Feb 7 2015 2:38 pm

    Or maybe they were trying out for that new Fox show, “World’s Worst Fails.” Anything to get on TV? I saw the attempt at taking the ATM on the news the other days. Dunderheads is a great word for them. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 7 2015 3:31 pm

      Somehow managed to miss that FOX show. Maybe it should be a crime to develop shows that encourage or excuse certain behaviors…guess the participants need money for hospital bills – after they don’t show up with that expensive Valentines gift? Thanks for dundering along

      Like

  9. PiedType / Feb 8 2015 4:44 am

    Well, if they had any brains, they wouldn’t be thieves in the first place. So I suppose their stupidity shouldn’t be all that surprising. And yet … it always is.

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 9 2015 2:37 pm

      Career path, not hobby. It’s Hallmark’s fault: so much pressure. There should be subsidies – paid for by a corporate tax levied on companies with holiday items. That would fix things, right? Thanks for rolling along these aisles

      Like

  10. Spinster / Feb 8 2015 5:15 am

    If they only had (a) brain(s)…

    Like

  11. EllaDee / Feb 10 2015 6:00 am

    Valentines Day is shopping is so yesterday… wannabee Romeos need to steal it to show they really care… is that it? Or are their Juliets just on a road to no-where with losers and tightwads… hmmm.

    Like

    • philosophermouseofthehedge / Feb 10 2015 3:35 pm

      Yep, crime jumps before Valentines, Christmas, and graduation. Hmm, who’s driving the frenzy? Like you say, nothing says “I love you” like a preowned item with the serial number scratched off. “He loves me enough to risk jail, does yours?”
      A whole different whirl of peas. Thanks for an astute analysis.

      Like

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