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April 22, 2011 / philosophermouseofthehedge

After a happy meal? Don the combat gear?

Getting dressed for trip to McDonalds

Whoever thought getting a hamburger would be a contact sporting event?

Current events suggest the important of wearing appropriate attire when visiting fast food restaurants

1.  Helmet –  able to withstand multiple head blows, kicks to the head, and slams to the floor. Recommended: the newest state-of-the-art football helmets in order to avoid concussions.  Note:  Hair should be put up and completely covered by helmet to protect from being scalped or scalp injuries when dragged.  Dangling earrings should be avoided.  Always wise to eliminate any “handles” that can be utilized by attackers.

2.   Clear protective face mask – (securely affixed to protective helmet).  Must be able to protect nose, eyes, and teeth.  Investigate those worn by NFL and NBA stars (as instructed by their own doctors to protect against blows).  Note:  Face mask must be clear so employees and managers can observe the fear in your face during attacks and uneven pupils of eyes after attack indicating possible concussion or brain injury.

3.  Cell phone:  Able to be securely strapped to hand – with 911 on speed dial as #1 option.  Speaker phone option also advisable in case phone is removed from your body…I mean – your person.  Necessary as no one else in the building will have a cell phone or land line to call police to stop attack or ambulance for sustained injuries.  (Or in case they are unwilling to “get involved”).  Video option is also advisable to record evidence of attack, injuries, and lack of assistance from employees or manager.

4.  Protective footwear:  Avoid flip-flops, sandals, or slip on shoes that may cause slippery footing, fall off, or break under stress.  Footwear should fit securely to provide a solid foundation or stance if attacked – and should provide solid traction if you get the opportunity to flee.  Note:  Heavy boots will protect delicate foot bones and ankles.  High heels / spike heels may be used defensively – but should be sturdy so as not to break, jeopardize balance, or hinder escape. Cowboy boots may be suitable if sturdy and provide protection – sharp-pointed “roach killer” toes may be an advantage.

5.  Optional – but recommended:  Kevlar jacket and heavy pants.  Able to withstand abrasive dragging on concrete – and possibly burns if things escalate. or a fire starts near you somehow.

6.  Optional – but consider seriously:  heavy gloves with retractable claws like the graphic novel hero, Wolverine,  level the playing field and to keep attackers at bay.

7.  Game Face.  Never let them see fear in your eyes even if intimidated.  Stand up straight.  Look them in the eye.

8.  If possible, always seek safety in numbers – and do not go alone.  (Small children do not count as reinforcements.  Possible safer to leave them at home.  NEVER leave them alone in the car – especially with the car running.)

9.  Consider cautious prudent behavior is the best protection.  Maybe it’s time to kick the fast food habit and avoid fast food restaurants all together – even the drive-thru windows (which have seen an increase of guns being shoved into driver’s faces)  Try cooking at home instead.  It’s cheaper and healthier if you consider food quality, food cost, and health benefits (healthier heart / weight loss from change in diet).

10. If you consider the possible medical bills, potential injuries, dealing with insurance companies and lawyers and it may be wise to change eating habits.

Since when did going to a fast food restaurant become a Mad Max adventure?

Totally baffled,

Phil, the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge

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